i know i owe you all an explanation, but the quick answer is - there is no quick answer.  or easy answer.  i don't actually have an answer to give you.  things are shifting and changing at a roller coaster pace, at times, and i have to hold tight to the reins and make sure that i am the one in control of the changes…that i allow in (or out) the things i feel appropriate.  the other day in meditation, i looked at a statue of Ganesha - the remover of obstacles.  and asked that obstacles be removed.  the instant thought that passed through my head was: "what obstacles?? you haven't set a course, so you know not what the obstacles will be."  And it's true, i realized.  just wanting things to "be better" is not a plan.  it isn't a goal to reach for.  so i've been trying to nail that jello to the wall…what do i want?  where do i want to be?  when do i want to arrive?  theoretically, the world is an open avenue for me.  i am an artist, so i can make art anywhere.  i am employable in a handful of industries that don't require my physical presence in an office.  i could be on a beach, for example, answering phone queries.  or tucked away in a wooded retreat in Vermont or New Hampshire.  needing just a reliable phone line and internet.  and Henry.  always henry.  he is my love in a crazy, fierce way that i never saw coming.  so, with this shifting sand, i hesitate to spill my thoughts, as they will change minute-by-minute.  know that you matter to me and have kept me from spinning into the galaxy at times.  know that the least "hello" has meant so much.  know that i am working towards better-than-okay-and-thriving-once-again.  and i am aware that my visceral reaction to particular aspects of my life is simply my gut telling me TURN AROUND, and yet i plunder forward.  it will all be good.  it's the middle that gets messy.