Can i just say...i love my mother. she heard the exhaustion and frustration in my voice over the phone and came over. together, we were able to get diva's bandage off from her IV. together we were able to soak and clean diva's raw bum...each of us teary-eyed at the pain she must feel. together we were able to apply a soothing ointment. and diva, knowing she was in 2 sets of loving hands was able to just relax enough to let us minister to her...trusted that even though it hurt, she seemed to know that it had to be gotten through. and then, in an act of kindness so immeasurable, mom hooked up diva's leash and took her for the night so i could rest. she'll stay at Camp Grandma's tonight and tomorrow while i'm at work. i can relax and not worry (as much) throughout the day. i know it sounds almost silly ... i mean, i'm talking about a dog with intestinal rage, but she is my Love. and my Reason. and i hurt that she hurts so much right now. we women are so special to each other, aren't we? speaking of which, i've dropped a card in the mailbox for stephanie (see below a few posts). i'm hoping it brings her a few moments of wonderment and twinkle. pass it around! L.

where's my pillow?!?

we are on day 3 of doggie bombastic diarrhea. she won't eat the pumpkin. she won't eat the rice. she's good with the plain boiled chicken or hamburg though, and although it's bland, it goes through her like, well, shit through a tin horn, as grampa used to say. her poor bum is raw, and she spends much time sitting in the snow - nature's novacaine i suppose. we have been up (and out) hourly for 2 nights now. this morning we took a (very quick) trip to the ER Vet, where they loaded her up with IV fluids and antibiotics. so now she has to pee a lot, too. she is getting exhausted, as am I. when she comes in, she cuddles up next to me and makes a whimpering noise I've never heard from her. my heart breaks. the good news is that Youngblood is in the car with dad and on his way to Newark airport, where, should they make it on time, and should there not be a homicide along the way, he'll be heading to Amsterdam for 17 weeks. and the village sang and much dancing ensued. true to family genetics, they left an hour late and have no idea how to get there, other than vaguely east and a little south possibly, so i am changing the locks on the door just in case. except the garage door, which has broken and remains down & immobile. i am looking for suitable country-western music to soundtrack my weekend. oh - and the carpet cleaner died also, of course. i wish i drank.

post #2 !

yikes! 2 posts in 1 day! well, i've spent the day napping and watching netflix movies, in between runiing to the door with diva dog. her tummy is still ca-razee and she's trying so hard to be a good girl. i just finished watching Beautiful Losers, and thought i might take some time to catch up on some blogs. i have my faves that i check faithfully everyday, and then there are some i check less frequently but look forward to just as much. there's been an almost universal theme of calming, quieting, tucking in. and today i had an Ah Ha moment as I checked here. when i first started blogging in '06-ish, my intent was to just express my feelings about losing Kita. i never thought i'd be writing this long. and i discovered other blogs and journals and friends and people i admired and people i didn't know but felt like friends. and for a while, it seemed that you Had To Be Moving Toward Point B...almost a race to see how fabulous a life you could create from thin air...from wishing and hoping and connecting. and sometimes, i felt like i was running to catch a bus that was going east, when i needed to go west. so i stopped running. and then i felt guilty, almost...like i should WANT to go where the bus was going. and convinced myself that, yes, i can...yes i will. and i watched and read as others went from nothing to successful career in no time flat. i cheered them, but still didn't feel like it was my path, if i was honest with myself. for the past year, i haven't had much of a notion to make art. i fought the fatigue and steadfastly went to the studio every spare moment, till i began to almost resent the time spent there. so i stopped. and felt the relief. and soon began to feel twinkles and twinges of urges to make art. but this whole thing is larger than just making art...it's about the whole Big Beautiful Blogger life. and, as Andrea talks about, comparing & competing. for me, it became inwardly not-so-authentic. and until i read her words today, those thoughts were swimming in a broth, but not gelling. today, i realized that the past few months have been a wonderful gift of stripping away and getting to know myself and my priorities again. and feeling very comfortable with them. i don;t feel that i ever lived falsely...just felt like i should be Doing More. and i may just do that now...time for another netflix! my wish for you: UBU. Linda Please see below...it's important & cool!

a fellow blogger needs cheering

sometimes i think my life is depressing and hard. then i go here and i realize what a whiney-baby i can be. Stephanie survived a plane crash that should have been fatal...the road to recovery has been remarkable and more difficult than i think i would have the courage to face, honestly. i've followed her blog for a while, and darn it, she needs some cards to cheer her up N-O-W following yet another impossibly painful surgery. her address is on the right side of her page. please please pick up a small card or note to send her today. it's the right thing to do, and i just know you always do the right thing! she is amazing...her husband -oy! the man was created in a lab, i swear to you! i will beg just 1 more time...please. thanks for listening. you may go back to your regularly scheduled life. mine includes dancing with the Little Green Machine...2 four-leggeds with a tummy bug...who knew there could be that much in such a tiny tummy?? Linda

snug as a slug

today, i accomplished...nothing! well, almost nothing. Diva had a break-of-dawn vet appointment, then we came home for apologies and pampering with her new toy (and one for kitty too) and some cheese. she promptly hid hers and plays with kitten's. i had high expectations for some art time to work on my new project. we went for a Big Walk through the woods, then i hit the couch and slugged out like it was my job. and i was employee of the month. it is now past 3pm and i haven't showered. and i may not. i am the only 2-legged in the house all week, and tend to revert during those times. i honestly think i could lay on that couch till i became a part of it...cozy comforter pulled up to my nose and staring at the ceiling. after the 3rd consecutive episode of Millionaire Realtors (is it fair? 20-something children closing multi-million $$ deals??) i decided to check the mail. my relaxation had turned to lethargy and was dancing on the edge of that dark precipice, so movement was in order. stuck between the mortgage bill and Joanne Fabric flyers was a lifeline in the form of a note from one of the kindest people i know. her sense of timing is always spot on. so now i'm upright and typing and soon.. *gasp* a shower. i am procrastinating. i am cleaning out my studio - well, i'm PLANNING to clean it out - and am feeling like those people on Hoarders. i went in with a box the other day with the intent of filling it. just one. a medium sized box. and each piece of rusty flotsam i meant to put in the box seemed too precious. i had decided to lighten my load, so to speak. to pick 1 or 2 mediums to concentrate on, and find good homes for the rest of the stuff. but... the anguish. so i dropped the box, turned around and walked out. the truth is, i'm in stagnation mode. maybe the weather, the season, the increased drag on me from increased workload, maybe. but the very thing that usually tethers me is the very thing i have no interest in...art. well, i have interest - i imagine all these incredible projects. i see them complete and hanging on a wall, or on a pedestal, or being worn, depending on the piece. and i'm content with that. although, clearly "contentment" is not what i feel. these imagined pieces are unlike anything i've ever done...filled with the same spirit and soul, but bold and fresh and light-filled, as opposed to the usual dark colors i work with. and it seems that the energy needed to just begin has flown the coop. to just get up the stairs and go to work on them...to burn some nag champa and brew some Tiger tea and bounce in...ppfffftt gone. i've been looking at studio space, and really feel the need for privacy when i work...not being distracted by cats and dogs and guitars and demands and obligations. and i think that may be part of it. sleep has not been a friend lately, with incredibly lucid dreams tiring me. so i think this day of quiet, of being a slug, is good. plenty of room for the mind to roam, after being given the command to work out whatever it is that's causing blockage. so i mentioned the project i'm working on? it's a continuation of the Double Secret Santa project. with a valentine's twist. little gauzy bags filled with candy and a little handmade heart of some sort...stuffed, painted, collaged, whatever. and this time, i'm not putting names on the bags - just dropping them here and there. the first one that was found, was left by the reception desk - the finder thought someone had dropped it. so i started putting tags on them that said "finders keepers" and the buzz has started again. so, the adventure continues. a girl at work is teaching me japanese, one phrase at a time. it will be a very long time before i'm tokyo-ready, but it's fun. and it makes the new employee wonder what she's gotten herself into. i learn a phrase, then teach the other 2 girls in my department. and an office manager in wisconsin is teaching me Czech...he teaches english in croatia, when his Visa is in order. so i'm a bit confused when i answer the phone and hear "mooshy mooshy" instead of "hello" or some form of Blue Arts Language. i need a french instructor now, just for added confusion. i mean, i can't run around France speaking Croatian, can I? i guess Kindness and Integrity are 2 languages that are international though. ok. i promise - time to shower. P.U.! and maybe some Tiger tea. and a little knitting. yeah. knitting. L.

an amazing artist

go here and meet an amazing & inspiring woman. i have an old issue of Art Doll Quarterly that featured her incredible work. 2 years ago, I saw her listed as an instructor at Squam and I knew i HAD to take a class by her. i was not disappointed in the least. in fact, it was a 2-day class, and i really wished for more. i wavered about skipping my next day's class to keep working in the studio with her, but thought i had best go with the plan so as not to create bad feelings for those who were on a waiting list. my mistake. i really wish i had spent the entire 3 days with Wendy. (not that there was anything wrong with the other class!). her work is inspiring, but beyond that, she is one of the most wonderfully unique people i have met...her warmth and light and love for her art shine. her imagination takes you to places you never want to leave. to look at a huge, half-buried boulder in the woods, and have a story to tell about it...right off the cuff...just sparked my own creativity. CrowWoman is a result of that class (well, when she's done). if you are as intrigued as i was, let her know...maybe we can talk her into a few workshop days! but wait until i have hands again! i don't want to miss out!

if you're new here, a little background....my love of All Time was Kita - short for Nikita. He passed away suddenly in August of 2006. and this blog was born. i had intended it to be a way to express the unexpressable, and figured it would last a few weeks. duh. i'm still here. whether or not i have anything to say...depends on the day! but i still insist on filling your eyes with my random thoughts. and hopefully some will make you laugh, and some will make you realize you aren't alone, and some will probably just make you realize that there is no particular requirement to having a blog - they let Anyone in! so grab some kleenex and go back through the archives if you feel like it. some of the best stuff is back there...like right before i hit menopause...now THAT was a year! or not. but thank you for spending a little time with me! L.

je m'escuse

thank you for your emails & comments - no worries...it's not that i'm in a bad place, per se, just stagnant. and wanting to change that out. as i was spending some meditation time the other night, i pictured myself sitting in front of a big suitcase...brown leather with dings and scrapes from travels...leather straps in dark brown that buckled in the front...with an ornate closure in front...i opened it a crack and saw inside - my dreams. i drew out an item and spent some time with it...smelling the fragrance, even after all this time. i turned it front and back and felt the texture in my hands and across my cheek. then laid it in my lap. i sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the suitcase and brought out another item...as soft and cuddly as a worn chenille bathrobe. and a tear slid down my cheek and around my smile. old friends remembered...never really gone...just set aside for a bit. as i saw this waking dream unfold, item after item came forth...some to be chuckled at, some to feel a stirring of an old excitement for...some to clutch fiercely and hold closely, even as the pile grew. soon i was swaddled in the items...each represented by an article of clothing, for some reason. it was like looking through an old scrapbook, or finding a box of old clothes you thought were long gone - some still fit, some outgrown. this waking dream was so comforting...to know my dreams had been kept safe and sound, and were still here.

eventually, just "acceptable" gets old, and the journey begins on the wings of a hawk.

here is my life today...a very VeRy large and deadly spider clinging to the wall at work virtually blocking my path to the fax machine, AND the snack machine. (well, it seemed large. and it may have been a spider. i was moving away too fast to bet actual cash on it, but i'm pretty sure). luckily the path was clear to the ladies room, or i'd have an entirely different story to tell. all day, i just felt it on my sweater. just felt it. it was, of course my imagination. but i can't even read these words without getting oogie. finally home. the dish fairy did not come today, unless it was to drop off my neighborhood's dishes into my sink. and counter. and the other counter. all sticky with yesterday's ribs and other stuff husband cooked for his daughter's last night at home before college. apparently Youngblood was busy with Other Things today, and didn't get to it. tonight, y'all must be watching the bear, because i can't get on the site, however, i do have an interesting animal of my own to watch...you know how when you buy socks? they have that paper band around them? and it has adhesive on it? the cheap socks, i mean. the kind i buy because one will get lost in the dryer anyway? somehow somewhere, diva found one. and thought it would be great to make a point that i was gone all day and she was pissed and grandma didn't come walk her and the cat smells bad and ate her food. so right now, she has this same sticky thing stuck on her paw/leg and it's making her fairly mental. but prideful animal that she is, will not let me assist. she got her face fur stuck/unstuck on it for a while. so we hhave loads of entertainment. geez, aren't i just the ambassador of Upstate NY? we just kick it here. what next? cow tipping? so this Paris idea is really kind of getting stuck in my brain. i may even buy a beret. just went to check - still can't get on the bear site. the BBC did an article on it, so now the whole world is watching. if you do get on the site, check out the nails on that babe! sheesh! ok. so Dr appt thursday and hopefully some answers. or at least a definate check off the list. which reminds me i have paperwork to do. it never really hit me how disrespectful it seems to observe a day set aside to honor a person(s) by having retail sales. until today. i mean, how, i ask, does it teach about / honor / respect / remember a man such as Martin Luther King Jr. by having 1/2 off mattresses? and to water it down to the "MLK Day" doesn't do it for me either. i mean it takes an act of congress to get the darn day set aside as a holiday in the first place. why bother, if there is no observance? why not have Lincoln memorial hour, or Martin Luther King hour? and in that hour, read about them, or have silent observance of their lives? but now it's all lumped together as President's day, or Columbus day, which have become meaningless to their original intent. unless you are a shopper or a teacher. oy. i rant. but feel bad. i do not want to have advertising on my casket. (not that i expect a Monday holiday in my honor). oh - hold on...Diva has come for help with the sticky thing. ok, somewhat better. more like a brazilian wax for her, i suppose. she's sure to tell grandma on me about that. so i still can't get on the bear site. ok - off to do paperwork for the doc. happy monday, and wishing you a teflon tuesday! Linda

my obsession

ok - now you may remember my obsession with the falconcam? my friend QOTU sent me this site, and i'm about to quit my job and just watch this. Lily the bear is expected to give birth any time now. and i just want to see this! so boil some water, grab some towels and sit for a while with Lily. maybe make some nice tea with the boiled water. whatever you choose. have a fabulous week! new topic: i'm still not sure if i'll be at the art show opening thursday night, but the show is huge and beautiful! at least 10 of my favorite local artists will be there. so if you can't find SOMETHING to match your couch, then you are just too picky. :) new topic: anyone interested in a trip to Paris next year? Linda

crows & hawks

so my life is surrounded by crows and hawks. if you know me at all, you know my love of crows and hawks. i would love to have a crow call. but if i did, i would NOT stand out in our deck calling them in, like hillbilly husband calls owls unaware. a friend once told me that in some native american cultures, the crow is considered the Messenger. and i went with that, and have wondered what message they may be trying to get me. after a few nights of crow-filled dreams, i consulted an expert. she wrote back (and i am most grateful for the long & thoughtful response)that the crow is most often considered the magician or alchemist. (i paraphrase here). hunh. and the hawk is considered to be a messenger. well, i spent some time with that. and it all seemed to click into place the other morning as i waited in the shower for my conditioner to condition. now y'all remember the fateful word i chose for 2010, right? "Authentic." such an innocent, perky-yet-righteous word, bless it's heart. yes. umm hmm. and just days ago a little scrap of authentic burst forth, looked me in the eye, did a neener dance and bitch slapped me right before i knew what was about to happen. you remember that part? ok. hold on, it'll all tie together. so here i am working on a sculptural piece of a CrowWoman, and having not one, but 3 crows present - Tazo, Dreamweaver, and as-yet-unnamed baby girl crow. and i'm waiting for a message, right? i figure i have 3 phone lines to the universal brain, and a calling card handy. i am Set Up. so. it turns out that the Crow, is not quite the messenger in my life. as the steamy water rinsed the conditioner (we're back in the shower now), it came to me...the crow energy has helped to make a difficult year easier, by creating magic & subterfuge. not in a malicious way...more helpful in the sense of a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. (props to Mary Poppins). i've had a sense that 2010 is a year that promises to shake, rattle and roll quite a lot of things, in a big way, for a lot of people...chaff being seperated from wheat...being asked to go past your "set" point and reach further...in happy ways, and in uncomfortable ways. so i am grateful for crow energy to help soften the edges of what promises to be a difficult and uber-rewarding year...a year of great transitions and movement...a year that will end with a skid and a What The Hell Happened There? i've watched hawks and falcons intently. the redtail that lives in my woods is a nesting bird that sweeps through the trees as if there is no obstacle. she flies just feet from the top of my head sometimes (heightwise) even though she's flying through an area semi-dense with trees. she is intent on her goal. the peregrines are amazing, as are the cooper hawks....they zero in on their prey and tuck in like rockets, often reaching speeds nearing 200 mph i'm told. so it is my feeling that the magic & alchemy of my companion crow was much like a stand up comic who jokes about the hardships in their life...turning what could've been an upsetting situation into fodder for entertainment. and that is pretty much how i live my life. the hawk is calling, however, to get down to business. what business? i have no idea. i'm sure i'll find out though. life is tough to avoid. there have been some deep & fast issues around the household that have been abruptly brought to the surface and excised. much like the speeding hawk slamming into it's prey, issues have been as furiously dealt with and resolved...with no excuses or time for thoughtful contemplation...just Stand And Deliver. it is possible to live an acceptable life, but who the hell really wants just an acceptable life? the Magicians can make things acceptable, but now the hawk is calling to get past the barrier of just Acceptable, and move toward Authentic. so it promises to be an exciting year. i will carry "authentic" with me, giving it a bit of room, like a bad diaper, but accepting that it will all be good. like little debbie swiss rolls. by the way: if you're in the area, i've been invited into a show at the Delavan Art Gallery that opens Thursday night. i dropped off some pieces today, and it's going to be HUGE. stop in and bring your checkbook. i have some older pieces that really are sick of living here with the fear of the cat face-planting them. buy. it's the kindest thing. Linda

authentic

so my word for the year was "authentic." in my mind, this meant living true to my heart and my values and my hopes and my dreams - you get the picture. well, can i tell you? sometimes you don't really know what you're getting into with a word. a word sometimes has a mind of it's own. like the adage "choose your words carefully," i have learned that you need to think carefully about words. they are coyote tricky. this week, i learned some things about myself. authentic things. things i didn't know were lurking somewhere in the basement of my brain, near the boiler room, in a creepy cobweb closet. i learned that i can have some very not-so-nice feelings towards people. feelings so visceral that they literally lay me flat with illness. i have noticed that when i meet someone, there are 1 of 3 reactions...either an instant chemistry, or a neutral hi-how-are-you, or a full out visceral dislike. and in the third category, i never really know why i have that instant wariness / get away from this person feeling, but it almost as dense as a foam cushion...it's like a sip of curdled milk. and there has been a person in my small, tiny office room that has activated that in me since she began in our department. i have tried to sit and think of good things about her, and i have beat myself up over my feelings toward her. i'm certainly not proud of it, and very very surprised that i could have those meangirl feelings. now you should know i've never done or said anything that would reveal how i felt...i just felt this horrible feeling. and certain events collided on tues that just brought everything to an overflow point. i ended up leaving work early - before any steam escaped. and took yesterday off because i had literally made myself sick over my feelings and also for feeling what i was feeling. but it was authentic. and it was not my best moment with myself. i am sensitive to what others put out there, and do believe that my feelings were in reaction to the vibe she has around her. and her actions, as they became revealed, have proven that right. but i was disappointed in myself for not triumphing over the warning. no matter how loud & strong. for entertaining it. for letting it occupy my thoughts. and now i feel like i need to spend some time cleansing, if you will. i brought Tazo Baby Crow to work today, his cage festooned with brightly colored yarns and threads, to remind me of my artspace. to remind me that i am not what the job is trying to make me...that i am capable of gathering light and pushing it outward, and that that is part of my Job, my Reason. so i will continue with "authentic," but will walk a wary path with her. and crap, it's only january.

ok. so when husband and i first got married, we bought furniture. it was a grueling, horrific experience, and my behavior was quite bad, i admit. on the day we stopped to "just look," we were coming home from a weekend of kayaking in the Adirondacks. i looked like ass, and predictably, had gotten my period, so was in full Medusa warrior mode. all i wanted was a nice shower, 5 Motrin, and a case of Snickers bars. i did not want to go furniture shopping. previous outings in that arena were eventful and lively, shall we say, however i was able to keep my mouth shut by bringing my blood pressure to a boiling range, thus keeping the brain occupied with explosion rather than speaking. this particular day, 8 years ago, however, hormones were free-ranging throughout my bloodstream looking for cocoa molecules, and finding none, decided to help the brain not explode by letting the mouth have it's way. it did not help that i was in a serious mental state anyway, having gotten my 1000th Bad Perm a week before, and between the wind on the lake, and the wind in the car ride home, i looked like cotton candy with legs. and no makeup. and my legs were hairy. well, stubbly. it did not help that the sales clerk was fresh off the Streets and zeroing in on my new husband. (this has been validated by another witness - the actual husband). this new husband was blind (yeah, right) to the salesperson's obvious come-ons, or so he claimed later in court, which further fueled the fire. I do recall needing to bring him outside at one point to explain why we needed to leave immediately, and failing logic, yelling I Will Not Buy A Dining Room Set From That Woman. I Will Not. She Will Not Be With Us For Every Meal. (now, you're shocked. but i say wait until perimenopause hits you between the ovaries, my friend). so today, armed with fresh new years promises to play nice, we returned to the very same store to look at new bedroom furniture. and there She was. (i was impressed, and gave her silent kudos - i have never stayed at a job that long. nor a marriage, till now.) but i am older & wiser, and not subject to the hormonal fluctuations that ruled me then. good and bad, i guess. now, i have no excuse. and, i admit i was impressed as my husband veered, actually Veered, away from her and beelined down the stairs to the clearance department. away from the beautiful Harden bedroom set visible from the entry. and from her. we mingled with legless chairs and scarred tables from the Island Of Forgotten Toys for a bit, then cautiously went back up. and there waiting for us, was a whole new salesperson. her name was Kim, and by the time we looked at bedrooms, dining sets, and occasional tables (wtf is an "occasional" table?? what is it the rest of the time??), i could imagine inviting this new salesperson over for chocolate martinis. so with the tension level at normal (our normal) we perused. and when i fell in love with a rustic style bedroom set, my husband looked at me and fairly yelled What Is Wrong With You?? Who Are You?? Kim's mouth dropped and she fought the flight-or-fight urge that all commission salespeople deal with regularly when they sell items that need marital consent. see, i'm an Arts And Crafts style gal...Stickley-ish sort of with a little funk. and all this bedroom set needed was a rifle rack headboard. Gustav would plotz. but i liked it. and the designer's name was Dick Idol, Urban Craftsman. what's not to love? the not-so-new husband was amazed - here he was looking at Oak or Cherry Harden in a display area where people whisper, and I'm going all Annie Get Your Gun on him. but it was done nicely, the furniture was. and well built. and then, just to reassure Kim, we told her the story of The Other Salesperson. complete with the part where she bumped her boob into my husbands arm while describing the carpet swatch color as "Leche." and me being lactose intolerant. and Poor Sad Woman About To Die At Work intolerant. and Kim collects rocks, so she can't possibly be a bad person. the only sad moment was when we thanked Kim for her time and left empty-handed. i don't know if she was more disappointed or relieved. but it was another test passed for the husband and I in 2010. people of opposite tastes in everything, shopping for something, and both coming out alive. and i may call Kim next week to go for a latte or martini. she deserves it. which reminded us of another side-splitting moment that only hindsight can convert. we were at our 2nd marriage counselor, a dweeby little man that is a cartoon of every therapist. he did not ask us about potty training, but almost. and the only thing in life that husband and i agreed on was that we would rather shoot one another than have to endure him one more session. so we kept that night's appointment, out of respect for his time, not ability, and comments and retorts began to fly and my husband accused me of having an affair, whereupon i told the shocked therapist that indeed i was -and at the Very Same Moment, as if rehearsed, we both said "With Donald Rumsfeld." (i had a brief crush on him. so shoot me). and we both became silent, staring at the man as if this was all true and made sense. it was the perfect improv. and honestly, i come from a long line of comedians, but my husband - not so much. although he is a salesman, daily improv is not his forte. at all. and it was certainly a shock to the counselor when, 2 days later, he spied my brother and I walking arm-in-arm across a parking lot from a movie in the middle of the day. but not nearly as shocked as I was to note his movie date was a counselor i had seen one time only (without husband)who i named Sadistic Bitch. she was nasty & aggressive, and clearly should not have been allowed inside people's heads. so there you have it. a day in my life, with surrounding addendums and embellishments. have a great week y'all. L.

ahhh. the quiet of a sleeping house. the aroma of a steaming fresh mug of really good coffee...and the beginnings - just the inklings - of something stirring in my spirit, whispering me back to the studio. my hands, this morning, swollen and painful, are not cooperating, but i know that by the end of my coffee, they will start to behave...then what? in my studio i have a small task area, away from the main workspace. a smaller table facing a wall, boxed in on the right side by my stainless shelving, and boxed in on the left by more shelving. a cozy area that i love to just sit in sometimes and put things on pause. this is where i do beadwork, soldering, and small collage pieces. i have a favorite painting by the fabulous Jacqueline Bequette hanging there, and some small totems and personal pieces i've done. it's my womb. my cocoon. and it to that area that i feel pulled. the other day when someone asked me what i was working on, i said "painting." now, i don't paint. or draw. but it came out of my mouth before the brain assessed the comment and had time to snort & correct. and it felt correct after i'd said it. so i sat with some paint for a bit, and you know, it felt friendly. the result was nothing spectacular, but it was kinda fun, i have to admit. so i'll smoosh a little more in a minute. just wanted to say hello. it's funny, but as pulled in and cocooned as i feel, i'm also feeling the need to be in virtual contact more...sort of touchstoning. so i apologoze in advance if i overwhelm with emails! Linda

my diva awaits with fuzzy bunny in her mouth, looking expectantly at me...fingers (mine) still frozen from our QuickWalk, so she will have to wait a little. this lull continues...lull, as in lullaby...an inkling beginning to spark a bit towards a project, but i feel as though lately, life is being lived through a deep, dense fog...slow, quiet, soft...not depression, but just, well, difficult to put a finger on or explain...more of a cocooned contentment...and i feel like i should step softly, so as not to disturb it. a grace, of sorts. i feel a challenge will be coming, but for now, am at peace with this weightless limbo. i am wishing you peacefulness with little sparkles shining through...now - i hear a wolf howl, so it's off to gather diva.

i'm sitting in my studio on the comfy chair, a mug of Tiger tea wafting up from the cup...Cinnamon & clove warm goodness. the snow hasn't stopped in days...today husband had to re-dig the trails for Diva - the snow is double her height. i worry about her knee and hope she doesn't hurt it again. she seems to know to be careful, so maybe i worry too much. a slow stirring of an awakening is beginning...not yet a call to be creative, but more an internal sorting through of things with sleepy eyes...i'm glad for the gentleness...such a change from last year's grab-and-shake changes, and the fierceness of 2 years ago...this is kinder, more ginger-and-vanilla. and a call to ritual vs. routine is slowly peeking through...replacing the routine of waking, animal feeding, animal walking, and on & on with preparing food for my beloved 4-leggeds...that sort of mind shift. and a call to soften, and expand - but gently, slowly, and at my own pace rather than making a determined list that must be adhered to. yes, i am a listmaker extraordinaire. i bought myself a little vase for christmas that has a Rumi quote on it: "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you love." yes. featherwalk. i actually intended it to be a gift for someone, but then i listened to the quote, and kept it. :) such a slow, quiet, cozy, soft mode in so many...not lethargic or sickly, but more contented-with-reservation...there seems to be big things in the works ahead for the year, but for now, rest. L.

mac and jeez

i got an incredible email from my 90-year old uncle. he's giving a talk about his experience as a young boy growing up in Palestine. i give him props for remembering that time, as i can't remember yesterday. then...i got the email again! and again! and again! yes, the replicating email syndrome. and *gasp* by sheer coincidence, my trial period of my anti-virus protection ran out, ummm, let's see, oh! i know! i know! pick me! that day! ding ding ding! you are correct. and wait - bonus round - this happened once before, recently, when? that's right Vanna - when the OTHER one ran out. do i want a Mac? yes. i am a PC and i want a Mac. but my new burping computer is just 6 months old-ish. alas. so i will take it to work and bribe the IT guy with Snickers bars and he will fix it (again) and tut-tut me and then all will be happy. so i'll just be happy now, knowing Snickersman will fix it. we have feet of snow today. i opened the door for Diva to go out, and the snow was deeper than her. she looked at a wall of white blocking her exit and said "hey! where the outside go??" so on with the boots (mine) and shovel shovel shovel a path for her to go potty. not in her preferred area, though, which is quite far from the door, but still private. she is a dog who requires privacy, unless she's leaving a message for her buddy down the street. then anywhere on his lawn is fine. so the husband and i have a list of things we would like to accomplish this year: repaint bedroom, repaint bathrooms, re-do livingroom, re-organize kitchen, learn to salsa dance (my contribution), cook more and have an open house every month (or so) with any new recipe that seems edible. he would like to socialize more. so in that spirit, we bought new lamps yesterday, re-organized the kitchen, and went on a pub crawl. all 3 of these events were done in a spirit of cooperation and consideration. that is new. so our promise to each other on New Year's eve for a clean slate and restart (with conditions) is off to a good start. and it only took 3 lighting stores befor we agreed on the most INCREDIBLE lamps. i love these lamps. they were not cheap, and had silk shades in paisley/orange shades. unfortunately, we replaced those with beige pleated oval-ish drum-like shades. well, the goal with new lighting was to - ummm- lighten up the livingroom which is dark as a cave in the winter. the silk paisley/orange shades blocked a lot of the light from the bulb. the lighting lady said we should use the shades to make a hanging light, which is a fabulous idea. so the new lamps make the room so so much brighter, and more like adults live in the house, as opposed to the mismatched (TOTALLY) ones i brought along when we moved in. i had one of those lamps from 1980, okay? we're re-doing the bedroom and maybe bathroom upstairs in robin's egg blue-ish turquoise and taupe. there are dark wood accents everywhere in the house (craftsman style-ish) so it will be good. i'm excited. i plan to (again) re-do my studio. i won't bore you with the details, but as soon as i find an Incredible Hulk to turn my worktable sideways, i'll be ready for the re-do. so all-in-all, it truly is a time of renewal in my house. husband went to Buffalo at 7am to watch a Bill's game with a bunch of manly men friends. the stadium is not covered. it is outdoors. it is cold. they will suffer and appreciate their wimmin more when they arrive home 12 hours from now. so back to wrestling with the rabbits in my email...because i just can't stop myself. wishing you renewal, cleansing, and spirit ....Linda

ps

what's your word for the year? mine is "authentic," but i really think it means "integrity." so as usual, i am taking more than one!

something new in something old

we went here......... where wisdom......... and relaxation.... combined with a calm, sleeping lake, gourmet food, warm flickering fireplaces, good wine, and a sense of Being Away...setting a line of delineation between what Has Been and what We Will Choose to Accomplish. under the glow of the chandeliers, and anticipation of a new year - new beginnings - we tried to sort out the things that had gone astray, from the things that may be worth saving...purging away the useless and making space for new things... symbolically and literally...as an organizational frenzy took hold when we returned and the kitchen has a new look. today the livingroom. but more so - a spirit of cooperation and acknowledgement of the other and what they bring to the relationship. all solved? no way. but a good line of communication has been established. and hopes are high on both ends of that line. 2010 holds many secrets yet to be discovered...i can see her smiling at the anticipation of what she holds. (ps: i ended the old year, and began the new with The Best Belgian waffles i've ever had! a lucky sign for certain!)